When you feel that first kick inside of you, you think that you will feel an instant bond with your child. I did not. When you see that new little bundle of joy and hold her for the first time in your arms, you think you will feel instant joy and love. I did not. I thought I was a horrible person and a horrible mother. What kind of mother feels this way? After taking my daughter home, those feelings did not change, and if anything, they got worse. The feelings of sadness, loneliness, regret, anger, frustration, and despair overwhelmed me.
This experience was like nothing I could have ever imagined. My husband and those around me were very loving and supportive, but they could not relate to how I was feeling. I remember crying uncontrollably and thinking that I couldn’t go on feeling this way. I just wanted to get in a car and drive away from my family and my life. I knew I needed help. Soon after, I talked to a counselor and started medication. Eventually the light did break through, and I am now so grateful to have 3 beautiful healthy children.
To those struggling mothers out there, please know that you are not alone. You are not a bad mother to be feeling this way. I really wished I had someone to talk to that had been through the same thing that I had. Reach out, try and find joy, and always remember that your children love you unconditionally. Get rest, get help, and the light will come – I promise.