Two years ago, I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy. It was something I had dreamt about for years. My husband and I decided to finish school before starting to have kids, but that didn’t lessen my desire. I wanted kids badly. Once we started trying, I got pregnant right away. I was ecstatic. However, the pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, and I was devastated! Although my miscarriage was heartbreaking, I was pregnant again within a few months. Again I was ecstatic, but this time I was more worried about what could happen. Nine months later, my son was born. Things seemed great. We took him home from the hospital, my husband had time off work to spend with us, and life seemed good.
Gradually, I noticed I didn’t feel happy. I didn’t feel like I thought I should about having a baby. I had wanted this for so long and now I didn’t feel like it was what I really wanted. Why was I having these feelings? Wasn’t I supposed to be the happiest person alive? I had everything I wanted. But, each day I would cry constantly. I saw friends post on social media about happy times with their babies and wondered why I didn’t feel like that. Most days, I wondered if life was even worth living. No one knew I was feeling this way because I hid it so well. I didn’t tell my husband, my family, or my friends.
I was lonely because no one knew of my struggles. I wanted to tell someone, but I was afraid of what would happen if I did. Would they believe me? Would I be sent to the psych ward? Would I be prescribed a medicine that I would have to take for the rest of my life? These questions would go through my mind daily.
The things that kept me going were the thoughts that my child would be raised without a mother or that my husband would be a single father. Eventually the negative feelings faded, and I began to feel happy again. What changed? I do not know. I do know I am happy. I am happy I am still here to raise my son. I am happy I do not have those feelings anymore, but I’m also scared. What if I feel that way again after our next child? Will I be strong enough to say something next time? I hope I will have the strength to speak up if I have those feelings again, but for now, I am grateful to feel happiness again.