The darkness lingers, and I realize I feel hopeless–that is why I can’t see the sun. My son was physically with me, but my mind left the minute he was born. I felt no connection to this little miracle. I wanted him to go away. In fact, I felt like he had ruined my life. Additionally, I was convinced my husband thought I was gross, sitting on the couch, flabby and unkempt. His words of encouragement made me mad; he was just lying to make me feel good.
Later, my twin girls were born. This time I was convinced that postpartum depression was not taking me down without a fight. Unfortunately, I lost this battle. I was not prepared for what I was about to experience. I was a wreck–crying, yelling threatening to run away. My first experience with postpartum depression almost broke up my marriage. Fortunately, the second bout after my twins were born was better. I had more support and understanding from my husband. I finally got medicated, and things improved greatly. Although we can get through this eventually, postpartum depression is a very rocky ride.