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I have a history of PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome), which includes low progesterone levels and an increased risk of miscarriage. In spite of my history of miscarriage, I was finally 9 weeks pregnant with no obvious problems. Then, the bleeding started. After going to the hospital, I was told the baby had died at 6 weeks. As the miscarriage progressed, the bleeding worsened. I knew I was supposed to go back to the hospital because of the bleeding, but for some reason I didn’t. I was frozen in fear, hiding in the shower, and gushing blood.

My husband helped me to our bed, and I remember being terrified that I was going to die, but being too scared to say anything. Fear makes us do stupid things. I hope if something like this ever happens again I will choose differently. I remember being so exhausted and scared as I was falling asleep. Fortunately, the bleeding slowed the next day.

A few days later, the anxiety started. I felt scared again that something was wrong with me. I didn’t have any specific reasons to be fearful, but I was terrified constantly for 3 months. I tried to fight it, but ultimately I’d end up in the emergency room at the local hospital. For me, it was like there was something in the dark waiting for me. I felt like if I started to run, it would grab me and drag me under the water where I couldn’t breathe. I would feel like I was holding on to consciousness the best I could while kicking and swimming. Eventually, it let go so I could get to the surface and breathe. I would crawl out and then the cycle would start again.

Sometimes I can go a couple months, sometimes it’s only days before it drags me back under. All I know is that it’s still here waiting for me. And I’m still terrified. It’s been almost a year since this began, and I have good days and bad days. For now, it thankfully seems like mostly good days. The two things that seem to help me the most are my children and exercising.

I don’t really have anyone that understands what I’m going through. If there is someone out there that is going through what I am or someone who understands this, please reach out.

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