I was so looking forward to starting our family, and when we found out we were having a boy, I felt invincible–like nothing could go wrong. I had the delivery planned out in my mind and daydreamed about the moment when I’d be able to hold my perfect, healthy baby boy. But, my delivery did not go the way I planned. My water broke in the middle of the night, and we made it to the hospital in time to get an epidural before contractions got too bad. But I wasn’t progressing, and after my baby’s heart rate dropped a few times, the doctor decided to do an emergency c-section. I didn’t plan on anything that was happening; I didn’t plan on my baby coming out blue. But, he did, and thank God the medical team got him breathing. My new baby aspirated fluid and had to receive oxygen and medication for two weeks in the NICU. I didn’t get to hold my new baby until the next day. I didn’t get to take him home until the next month. I was traumatized.
When my baby could finally breathe on his own we took our bundle of joy home, and it felt surreal. We were so blessed that it wasn’t worse than it was. We were blessed that we were there at the right time, that the doctor and nurses took immediate action, and that my baby came home healthy. So why was I not happy? I had experienced down moments in my life, but suddenly I found myself thinking things I never thought of before. I hated myself, but I couldn’t tell you why. I felt incapable, worthless, like a burden…I truly thought that if I left this world, my husband and son would be better off. Luckily, I felt like I could share these thoughts with my husband, although he already knew that something was very wrong. I went to my doctor and told her everything. Together, we started a journey of figuring out what medication and therapy I needed to feel the joy that I deserved to be feeling. It’s been a hard journey, and sometimes I still feel down. But I am moving forward. I’m grateful for the people who understood and who listened without judgment. I’m still here because of them.