Letters of Light

After I had my second child I was not myself. I was sad, angry, anxious, and hopeless. I had a 2-year-old and a newborn. My newborn cried. A lot. I cried. I would get so frustrated that I started yelling. About everything. Before I knew it yelling was my new normal. This lasted for years. I did not feel happy. I thought it was because there wasn’t enough money, because my husband didn’t put his socks away, because I had to do the dishes again, because I burned dinner (if I even had the energy to cook dinner). It affected my marriage. We fought about everything. As the kids got older it got worse. My husband didn’t know what was going on either. He didn’t want to spend time with me and the more that happened the worse I got.

I got to the point where I would scream and yell and take things out on my kids when they didn’t have anything to do with what I was upset about. The truth is I never knew why I was upset either. A toy on the ground could set me off. Of course I will have toys on the ground. I have children.

One night I was praying and trying to find answers as to why I was the way I was. It was embarrassing. I hated myself. I knew I needed help but the truth was I was afraid. Afraid that if I told anyone what was going on they would feel like I was an unfit mother and take my children away from me. So I waited to get help.

I had an annual doctor appointment with my OB-GYN. He had me take a test that he said was now a standard test. Just a Q&A. It was for depression. I didn’t want to answer the questions honestly but I then thought if it was a standard test, there must be more people than just me feeling like this.

He immediately got me on medication. It helped. It didn’t fix everything. I was still afraid to seek outside help knowing that I would have to be truthful about my yelling and screaming and even spanking my kids. So I never got help. Ever.

I am lucky. I knew I had a problem and knew I had to research to make this right. I did. I read what I could. I tried different techniques to help me get back to being a happy, healthy, non-yelling parent and wife. I asked my husband for help but never anyone else. I finally admitted to him I had a problem. He obviously knew.

It took years to feel better. Once I did and could talk about it I had friends and family that told me they were worried about me and saw a change in me. I had thought I hid it so well. I didn’t. Because nobody knew how to approach and help me, I never got the help I needed.

I knew what to look for after that. I have had 2 more children since but made sure I talked with doctors and my circle of friends and family that knew me best to watch and be aware of signs. My husband was quick to help this time knowing what was going on.

I wish someone would have reached out to me. Anyone. I know others knew what was going on but it wasn’t talked about. Like I said. I’m one of the lucky ones. I am now a happy, loving wife and mother. It could have been very different for me. I nearly ruined my marriage and my children.