Disclaimer: The following article mentions the topic of suicide or other sensitive subjects, which may trigger negative thoughts and feelings for those currently suffering or still recovering from a mental or mood disorder. Reader discretion is advised.

I started on my journey of having children a little later in life, but we were thrilled when we found out we were expecting. My pregnancy and delivery went well, and we had a beautiful girl. Life seemed good for the first few days, but then I started getting a little anxious. Within 2 weeks I couldn’t eat, experienced frequent vomiting, and lost 35 lbs. I knew at this point there was something wrong, but I didn’t really know where to go.

During this time, I also experienced many dark thoughts. I had the urge to throw the baby on the floor; my brain was telling me that it would be better for both of us, but fortunately I resisted. My world was upside down. I even asked my husband if we could send our baby back. Every day I would just sit on the couch and stare into space. I didn’t even have the energy to cry. One afternoon, I was planning out how I could kill myself and still get the insurance money for my family. I was convinced me being gone would be the only way they could be happy. This is when it clicked. I needed real help!

I struggled through an emergency room visit and being admitted to the psychiatric ward, and eventually got help through medication and therapy. Although the medication didn’t work instantly, it did eventually help. I even faced a second bout of depression with a subsequent pregnancy, only this time I knew what it was and got help sooner.

Even though this was the hardest time in my life, I now have 2 beautiful girls and couldn’t be happier with modern medicine. You can get through this; life will not always be so bad. I believe we need better places for women to get help and more education for doctors on what could happen. Not knowing what was happening was the worst part for me. The most important thing is to get help and share with others. The more I share my story, the more I find women who went through a similar experience. You are not alone!